dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
