My friends, they love my intelligence
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We're too hungover to prance.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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