He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
