Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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