I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize