She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Randomize
