Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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