I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
