I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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