I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
