overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
