Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
