normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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