Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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