I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
