Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he puts the penis in happiness.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
