I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
