I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
