u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize