How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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