We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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