Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
