can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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