i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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