ugly people sure do ruin things
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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