How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
