sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
