I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
