i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
