if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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