I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize