atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
