Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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