Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
