Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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