I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
