He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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