I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
