Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I need to wash the frat house off of me
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
