Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
