Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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