yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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