Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
