and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
