Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
