I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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