What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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