Jerry, you need to find god
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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