If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
