it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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