is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
not ubering you a puppy
God, I missed his penis.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
