So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
