The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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