I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
