When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
