An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
