The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
