If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
