Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
