I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
