I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
