fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
