shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
