I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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