I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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